Where we end
People tend to think that cutting someone out of your life instead of giving them another chance is an act of selfishness. However, I believe it’s a part of who I am that I truly love, and I don’t see that as selfish. When it comes to old friendships, instead of looking back on them and think “maybe we should have stayed friends”, I’m more glad that those friendships have ended. This can particularly sounds quite harsh on my part but I only need a brief second to explain why I feel this way.
From my experiences, the decision to cut someone out of your life doesn’t usually stem from just us growing apart, but is often followed by a major event that causes the friendship to wither. I know everyone makes mistakes, but no amount of time can undo the way I look at someone after they’ve done something I would never have done to them. There are countless moments when I’ve convinced myself that I could stay and fix things, but it somehow always ends in the same place. We text and call less. The distance grows. Eventually, we become people who only see each other’s lives through social media, when there was once a time we knew everything about each other. I weep over what we had every time I catch a glimpse of them in public or on my feed. They might see this as a punishment toward them, but I see it as a final act of love, leaving them behind, knowing that it eats me alive to accept that things can never be the same again.
There is a quote by Jane Austen that I always remember: "I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature." I am someone who doesn't know how to love halfway. I want to love openly and fully, and it feels like a punishment to me to not be able to live in that fullness. And maybe that’s why it feels way harder to stay than to leave them behind. I don’t leave because I don't feel; I leave because it’s my nature to feel and care more than I should. I don’t want to keep living in a chapter that came to an end, but neither of us have the courage to turn the page.
Therefore, I see the act of cutting someone out of my life as an act of courage, not selfishness. It feels as though I can finally cut the rope that tied me down, no longer having to feel a wave of sadness every time I see their pictures on my phone. And even if someone wants to call that selfish, I’m willing to carry that name for once and not feel guilty about it. I always wish them the best, even when I’m no longer in the picture to see it.
At the end of the day, It’s okay to put your feelings first.
