After the Credits

I’ve always been proud of my independence, in the sense that I enjoy doing things alone and don't rely on anyone for help. I enjoy sitting at cafes by myself with my headphones on, taking on random side quests, watching a new movie at the theater alone, or simply just sitting at the park on an empty bench. There is a kind of peace in enjoying my own company and not having to explain myself to anyone on why I want to watch a certain movie or why I do any of these things. I move at my own pace with the mindset that I can rely solely on myself for everything and no one else. For the longest time, I thought this was my best strength in its purest form.

And perhaps it is. But there are times when I sit down with myself and thought to myself how my independence feels less like the freedom I portrayed it to be and more like an armor that I put on myself.

I know how to carry my own weight, as I don’t really like to ask for help easily and burden everyone else with my worries. I believed that needing others less means being stronger. I could tell myself I’m fine, and for the most part, I believe it. I’ve programmed and built my life that allowed me to stand on my own without needing others to push me to stand. The silence feels weirdly comforting to me, or more so, peaceful. But if I have to admit, there are nights when being alone doesn’t feel peaceful or comforting. It can feel extremely heavy for the most part. Those are the moments when I realized I’m not always good at being with myself, like I thought I was. My thoughts would get too loud while the quietness I usually crave starts to echo throughout my bedroom. In those moments, I noticed that the armor I put on is a cover-up of the isolation I’ve learned to romanticize all these years.

I think I became independent because I had to, because at some point, relying on myself feels safer than being disappointed. It’s definitely easier to say “I’ve got this” than to admit I’m tired from carrying everything alone. I’m afraid of needing others more than they need me and being seen as annoying for asking too much. Still, I’m learning that solitude does not equal strength. Being independent doesn’t mean being untouchable. That it’s fine to want someone to sit beside me in the quiet, to want comfort and their presence. One movie ticket can become two, and that’s totally okay!

I love being alone, of course. I love the person I am when I stand on my own, but I've started to accept that sometimes, I’m not really  good on my own.

I am human, after all.